back to school

I'm back. After a small hiatus this summer, school is back in and I have my computer to myself again. I made a decision to start doing before and after school care for 3 other girls, and took them more or less full time during the month of August, so I got a chance to see how it's going to play out. So far, so great, I have to say. Interestingly, all three girls are only children. They all get along well with my girls, and we had little to no conflicts all month. Now that school is back in, they are only together for a brief period of time before and after school, so hopefully it will continue to be a success for everyone. I have to say that the most exciting development to come out of this so far has been how well Kate has responded to the new situation. She is just a totally different child in the mornings now, and after school too. Where previously she was always very stressed, anxious and aggressive before school, now she is happy, organized, engaged with the other kids. After school she used to have a break down as soon as she got in the car, and it would continue for most if not all of the evening. So far this year she has not only kept it together but has drastically improved her coping skills when tired or bored. The key to this success seems to be her relationship with one of the girls in particular. I have known J since she was in grade 1, when she was in my Sparks (Girl Guides) group with Elizabeth, who was in kindergarten at the time. She is probably the quietest child I have ever known up till now. But that has changed too - she is definitely not quiet in my house! Anyway, she and Kate hit it off, and seem to really click. From what J's mum has told me, J is also very happy, so I am really really hoping that this continues. For both of them! For all of us!!

the talk

I've noticed that my eldest daughter Elizabeth seems to be going through a new phase lately. I call it her roll her eyes and argue with everything I ask her to do phase. Which is usually followed by her shouting that I am not fair and stomping off to her room weeping phase. Anyway, Saturday I decided I had had enough. I was feeling somewhat fragile myself, having just kicked off day one of my menstrual cycle, and it occurred to me that while Elizabeth is only nine and hopefully a few years away still from being initiated into the joys of being a woman, ha ha, she may start to exhibit other symptoms of the oncoming hormonal onslaught. Like, oh say, being in one hell of a bitchy mood and then flipping over into tears moments later for little to no apparent reason. So I figured I should be a proactive mom and have a little talk with her about her recent crabbiness etc. I grabbed a fresh cup of coffee and invited her to come and sit on the deck with me for a chat. As we headed outside my husband spotted us and said "oh, hey, I'll come sit with you guys too, it's such a nice morning." I hesitated - don't get me wrong, he's a great dad, and pretty valiant when it comes to girl talk, but I wasn't sure I wanted him present for her first girl talk. Especially since I wasn't entirely sure what I planned on saying in the first place, and didn't really think I was up to any cute comments on the state of my own mind at this particular time of month. So I switched gears and suggested that Elizabeth and I go sit on the front porch instead, while trying to not hurt my husband's feelings too much in the process by assuring him that he could be part of any future girl chats. We had just made it to the front door when her sisters popped around the corner and asked where we going. I told them we were just going to have a little chat on the porch, and of course they immediately asked if they could join us. Sigh. I guess I could have said no, but I had a feeling I wasn't going to get away with saying no to anyone else that morning. So I found myself a moment later seated on the front porch with three captive listeners, eagerly awaiting me to impart some great words of wisdom. Crap. I started by discussing how grumpy E had been lately, and how sometimes you can have good reasons to be grumpy or sad, and sometimes you don't seem to have any reason at all, and then attempted to segue into an explanation of hormones and feelings, and getting your period, and at that point just when I was thinking I was doing pretty well Elizabeth raised her hand. "So okay, Mom, you've explained before about the whole egg and sperm thing, and I get that, I mean it's like salmon, right, the boy salmon fertilizing the eggs that the girl salmon laid, but what I'd like to hear is more about exactly how Dad fertilized your eggs, like how does he get his penis in there, how does he make the sperm come out, you know, that kind of stuff?" And before I could answer Emily says "Oh, I know, he puts it into her vagina, because she keeps her eggs in there instead of laying them like a salmon or say, a chicken, right mom?" And then "But wait, a chicken! How does the sperm get into that hard egg shell anyway?" "Yeah mom, how, are our eggs like that, boy that must be hard work for Dad to get his sperm to break through those shells" and that was it, conversation officially out of my control and over. I suppose I could have reeled it in or at least attempted to at that point, but by then I realized that my neighbors were on the other side of the fence enjoying their morning coffee, and our voices were carrying nicely in the morning breeze. Plus it was all I could do not to break out into hysterical laughter.  Fearing that I might be about to mentally scar them all for life on the subject of sex, I had sudden visions of them saying things like,"my mom says that my dad has to use his penis like a battering ram to break through to her eggs..."or something along those lines being shared amongst their friends at the playground, only to be passed along to all the other parents in our neighborhood, and my phone would start ringing off the hook with calls from outraged mothers wanting to know what kind of disgusting obscenities I have been teaching my children, and I would be thrown off the Parent Advisory Council in shame, never to be able to show my face at school again...so I smiled and said well, I just wanted to talk about feeling cranky and sad, and so if you have any questions about that don't be afraid to ask, and we'll save the rest for another day...and went for another cup of coffee. Maybe I should have let Mike have the talk with her after all.

time out

Although I haven't written often this summer, this week I find myself looking at my blog from a slightly different angle. I know that usually I write of the more humorous moments of my mothering experiences, but now and then something happens to remind me that there is another side to it all. Today I am thinking about another mother of three daughters who I know. She is actually my sister in law's mother, and I sometimes call her my "other" mother in law, as we have gotten to know each other fairly well over the past few years. Anyway, something happened this week, something that I am finding has wrenched at part of me somewhere deep inside, and I think it's because I am looking at this something from a mother's perspective. I find myself being constantly confronted throughout my day by it, in my routine dealings with my daughters, and it literally makes me catch at my breath for a moment as a wave of what I can only describe as sorrow washes over me. What happened was that my other mother in law's oldest daughter died on Tuesday, after losing an amazingly courageous battle with cancer.  And while I knew her daughter, and have been great friends with my sister in law for many years now, what strikes at me the hardest is how my other mother in law's life is forever changed because of what she has lost. I keep thinking of things like Mother's Day, how it will never be the same for her again, that it will always be tinged with some sorrow, no matter how happy and grateful she might be for her remaining two daughters. I guess that is part of life, learning how to live with that and carry on, but what a hole it must leave in your heart.
I am not one of those people who believe that "everything happens for a reason". I don't believe that at all. What purpose does taking a wonderful loving person away from her life serve? None that I can see. I do believe in free will, and making conscious choices to cope with the curve balls that life throws at you. That being said, I find myself holding my girls a little tighter this week, and counting my blessings a little more carefully. I suppose the only good thing I can take away from this tragedy is that it does give one pause; it nudges at me to stop and smell the roses, spend some extra time just enjoying my girls. I'm just sorry that it sometimes takes something terrible to remind us of something good.

sleepovers

We have reached the age of the slumber party, oh my. The girls have all had sleepovers at their grandparents house - which is located about two minutes from my house - since they were babies, but now we are branching out into new territory. Elizabeth started her summer off with two back to back slumber parties, one at a friend's followed the next weekend by a birthday slumber party at our house for a group of nine year old girls. What is it about having a sleepover that is so exciting, so desirable, even at such a young age? I flash back in time to my own preteen/teenage years, and all the slumber parties I attended. As with most all girl events, there is plenty of social stress to go around at some point or another. Who gets to sleep next to who, what kind of pj's you brought to wear, who has the coolest game to play, it's all part of the girl hierarchy that naturally seems to come into play during an evening like this. Here's a question: do boys have slumber parties? They must, but what happens at them? I'm quite sure they are fundamentally different in some way from the girls' version, but how exactly? I have no sons, so I will probably never know the answer to that. All I know is that with the girls there just seems to be a certain amount of angst, as there tends to be in any all girl related gathering, but it seems to be heightened at a slumber party.  Men always seem to envision slumber parties as erotic pillow fighting escapades. I can say from personal experience that while there might be pillow fighting, it is not exactly what I recall as erotic. But there is for sure a certain heightened amount of tension present, and I think it has to do more with the social hierarchy aspect of things - the establishment of a pecking order within the usual pecking order as such. What I mean is that usually only the girls who are within the hostesses inner circle of friends are generally invited to sleepover in the first place. On a daily basis, they stand by each other and each have a sense of comfort in their status as part of their group. However, everything seems to shift at a slumber party. Suddenly, all bets are off, and there is a scramble for acceptance within the group that is palpable. I watched it happen at Elizabeth's party - as the hostess she was granted a certain automatic queen bee status, with the others all competing to fit in somewhere. I watched as one of the girls had clearly been granted special status  - she sat next to E during the movie we played outdoors after dark on our deck, and of course the ultimate gift of being the one who slept next to her that night. A couple of the other girls paired off with each other, and seemed quite happy within the ranks, while a lone girl seemed to be somehow both on the fringe of the group and yet questing for queen status all night. Interestingly, she had not been on the original guest list, but had phoned Elizabeth and managed to somehow wrangle an invite for herself.
Anyway, it's much like summer vacation type memories for me from the same period of time - they are almost visceral in their intensity and definitely evoke an emotional, if not completely nostalgic response in me. It's Sunday morning, and Elizabeth is currently still at a friend's house, having been invited to sleep there last night. I realize that she is entering a new phase of girlhood, has been for some time, but the summer time sleepover thing is what has really made it hit home. Mind you, for all her growing up I noticed that she didn't forget to bring her favorite stuffed dog with her for the evening. And whenever Elizabeth has a sleepover away from home, I get to have a slumber party of my own it would seem. Her twin sisters had great plans last night to sleep in the spare bedroom in the basement. We got them both all tucked in with various stuffies and blankies, said good night and retreated to the living room one floor up. I believe it was 30 seconds later, although Mike says we should "give" them a full minute, that the girls appeared in the living room with all their gear, saying they had changed their minds and would be sleeping in their own room instead. And then about a minute after that Kate appeared and said she couldn't sleep in there without Elizabeth and could she sleep in our room? Followed moments later by Emily saying that she certainly didn't want to sleep all by herself, and could she sleep in our room too? All of which I had been completely prepared for and within in minutes had them both set up on the floor of my bedroom and sound asleep among the laundry hampers of yet to be folded clothes.
The phone just rang and it was my eldest daughter reporting in, due home within the hour. Things must have gone well as her buddy is coming with her to spend the day at our place. Maybe later I will find a way to get them all to take a nap....!

bicycle built for two

Yesterday I underwent what had to be one of the most painful ordeals I have gone through with my children. I attempted to teach the twins how to ride their bikes. Now before I go any further, I need to explain that this wasn't the first time I have tried to do this. I have been trying to get them rolling for about two years. And this isn't just a simple case of let's take off the training wheels. Even with training wheels the girls were afraid to ride their bikes. So last year I said to hell with the training wheels, and got them new bikes, sans training wheels, and set about trying to get them riding them. After several afternoons at the park I gave up, mostly because I thought I was going to have a heart attack from the combination of running back and forth across the field over and over again with both the girls, and from the extreme level of frustration I was experiencing at their total resistance to try to learn. I mean, I nearly picked up both bikes and chucked them into the forest. But somehow I hung on to my sanity, which was severely shredded at that point, and instead I decided to just put the bikes away for another year. So when this summer started, Kate announced that she was going to learn how to ride her bike, and I was highly encouraged to try again. I should have known it wouldn't be that easy. Kate's version of trying again turned out to consist of her sitting on her bike, inching it forward with her feet on the ground, and then after a few minutes getting off and declaring she was done for the day. She refused to let me near her, which of course made it impossible for me to do what needed to be done - hold on to the seat, run with her to get her rolling and then let go. And then there was Emily. She actually did let me do the run and let go, which was followed by her screaming and falling off her bike and bashing up her elbow, after which she refused to go near her bike again, and said she would be quite happy just riding her scooter forever. Now please understand, I have attempted to take out as many "scary" elements of bike riding for them as I can. They are wearing helmuts, which seems somewhat ridiculous as they move faster walking than they do on their bikes. I am teaching them at the park, so they are either on grass, which may be softer to land upon when they fall, but is much harder to actually ride on in my opinion, or they are on the sandy baseline of the baseball field. But they have continued to be stalwart in their mutual terror. This is a big part of the problem I'm sure, because I just don't get that terror. My inability to patiently teach my children surely stems from the fact that I taught myself to ride a bike at the age of 5 by borrowing a friends bike, parking it at the top of a steep road in our apartment complex, and racing down it over and over again until I felt I had mastered the art of bike riding. Whereupon I announced to my parents that I would like a bike of my own, and they found me one that didn't have any brakes, so I just put my feet down whenever I felt the need to stop. Since we lived at the top of a steep hill, I wore out the soles of my shoes pretty fast, but other than that I thought my bike was pretty great. I have had something of a love affair ever since with bikes, so I couldn't wait for my girls to get rolling with me. Elizabeth was first, and it was a piece of cake. She was five when I took her to the park the first time. After some basic instructions - look straight ahead and don't stop pedaling - I took off running with her and let go. She rode for a ways, fell off, got back up and got back on the bike and took off on her own. And that was that. Now I realize that I attributed much of her ability to learn to my own amazing abilities as a teacher, which of course was completely delusional of me. She would have learned with or without me I suspect. The twins however are a completely different kettle of fish.
So yesterday I was looking to kill some time after lunch, and it occurred to me we could try the bike thing again. Then I thought, what am I, a total sucker for punishment? But no, this is my job as a parent, right? A rite of passage that I must endure with my children, right? As I worked on talking myself into giving it one more shot, I suddenly recalled another rite of passage that I had endured with the girls, and quite successfully - potty training. In fact, I had the twins completely potty trained within 2 weeks of their second birthdays. And how did I do this so quickly, so effectively and at such a young age? Why I used bribery of course. I laid in a big supply of candy, and I bribed my daughters with it to get them to go on the potty. And it worked like a charm. So I thought, hey, I'm not proud. If I have to resort to bribery to get the girls on their bikes, then bribery it is. So I started loading up the bikes into the van, and then when the weeping and the wailing started I smiled and said "today girls, we are going to try something different. If you learn to ride your bikes today, I will stop at the store on the way home and I will buy you a candy of your choice. In fact, I will buy a bonus candy for whichever one of you does it first." As they thought this over - yes, they were still hesitant and mistrustful - I threw in one more offer, "AND I'll make milkshakes for everyone when we get home!" That sealed the deal.As we drove up the hill to the park, Emily piped up from the backseat, asking "Mom, did you just, what do you call it, BRIBE us to ride our bikes?" And I smiled and said, "why yes, Emily, I sure did," once again confirming to my children that yes, mommy is a crazy lady.
Anyway, we got the bikes out and I took some deep breaths and we were off. And after several runs back and forth with Emily shrieking don't let go, I don't want to, I'm scared, I gave her one big push, let go, and screamed keep pedaling, and holy artichokey, she did. Keep pedaling, that is. By now the park was full of other families, flying kites, walking dogs etc, but I was in a happy place all of my own at that moment. I probably looked like a totally deranged lunatic, leaping around woohooing at the top of my lungs as I chased after Em, and when she came to a stop with a look of wonder on her face, I grabbed her off her bike and spun her around till we both fell down laughing onto the grass. Then Elizabeth ran up and joined us too. After we all recovered, we looked around for Kate. She was way across the field sitting on her bike, glaring at us. Hmmmm. I caught my breath, and then went after twin number two. But this wasn't going to be easy. Once again she was refusing to let me give her a push. And then she started to weep as she realized that Em was going to get candy, and a bonus candy at that. Somehow I retained my composure, no easy feat in the face of such dramatic opposition, plus I was sweating like a pig and almost totally out of breath. I didn't know how much longer I could go on. So I started saying things like, hey, come on, focus on the candy, what kind of candy do you think you would like, how about licorice, a whole pack of it, or a big chocolate bar all to yourself, mmmmm, yummy, okay now just let mommy give you a little push, I won't let go, really I won't, well maybe just for a minute but you'll be fine, you can do it, just keep thinking about the candy....and then I gave her a mighty shove and let go, and watched as she froze, legs sticking straight out, screaming her head off, and coasted several yards before coming to a very undramatic stop, whereupon she put her feet down, and just looked at me. While she was deciding whether or not to be completely pissed off at me, I decided that while she didn't technically actually pedal her bike that it was close enough to count and I called it a day. "Woohoo ladies, let's go get us some candy!" I shouted at everybody, and we spent the rest of the afternoon on a comfortable sugar high, all feeling pretty pleased with ourselves. I know that this journey isn't over yet, that I still have to get one of them pedaling, but I am confident that with continued bribery and a fair amount of peer pressure we will soon all be enjoying some summer bike riding adventures together.

July

Good grief, we are well into summer vacation, and it doesn't feel like summer yet, other than the fact I am with my children 24/7 and that definitely makes mommy more than a little stir crazy at times. I had super intentions of "journaling" here daily, in order to get the girls to keep up with summer journals of their own. Well, the girls have been far more faithful than I have. So rather than try to back track and recall every detail of our summer thus far, I will sum up. Sun came out, bought a pool. Played in the pool for a week, then the sun went away and the rain and clouds arrived. Covered the pool up. Only creatures interested in the pool are the raccoons. Devised highly technical plans to keep raccoons away from the pool. This involved sitting up on the deck late into the evening, fortified with wine, covered in bug spray, huddled by the propane heater with a bucket of wet rocks to fling into the wilderness beyond the garage. Was advised to also try stringing empty cans around the pool, but couldn't quite figure out how to do that, so just rattled the plastic bag full of empties now and then in between flinging rocks. Not sure if my plan is responsible, but so far the pool has remained intact and raccoon free. Have channelled my pool obsession to the local outdoor pool as of this week. Was certain that by now the sun would have returned and had visions of spending lazy mornings basking in the heat poolside while the girls took swimming lessons. In reality have found myself hauling several sets of umbrellas, sweaters, lawn chairs and sleeping bags to the pool each day, where we sit damp and chilled, scanning the sky desperately for a break in the clouds, while the steam drifts off the top of the pool, which is apparently the warmest place to be, and where unfortunately I am not.
The weather network taunts me with each extended forecast promising sunshine, only to change by the next day and be postponed just a few more days down the road. Oh, don't get me wrong, we're still out and about, finding things to do, sleeping in etc. But what I am pining for is that put on your bathing suit as soon as you get up, have your coffee on the deck which is already warm under your bare feet, run through the sprinkler, go get a slurpee, smell of the barbecue, taste of fresh salty,buttery corn kind of summer action. You know, where you jump in the pool and then lie down on your towel without drying off because you are going to get to indulge in that awesome sensation of the water evaporating off your body in the heat as you lie there.
Anyway. One more week of July, which doesn't look too special according to the weather channel, so I will focus my summer hopes on August I guess. If I sound glum, I guess I am. Tempers are short around the house, I am not sleeping well, and neither is Kate. Maybe we are both doing some cloudbusting in our sleep. Perhaps today when we get back from the pool I will say to hell with the crappy weather, slather some coconut sunscreen on all of us, crank up some Bob Marley, and hand out some freezies. Inside of course. Meanwhile it is time to go load up the van with rain gear, blankets, umbrellas and heat up some coffee to go.

and so it begins....

Yes, it's the last day of school today before the onset of the kids' two month summer vacation. Actually, it's not even a day, it's an hour and a half, which really translates into about an hour by the time I drop them off, then race back home to retrieve the farewell thank you cards Emily made for her teachers that she forgot and didn't remember until we pulled into the school parking lot, even after I asked them all if they had everything when we were leaving the house....anyway, then I race back to the school to hand over the cards, then home again, and the kids are being "released" at 10:30 after one final assembly which really, couldn't they have taken care of this business yesterday, not that I'm complaining because ultimately it is one last hour of peace before my two month summer boot camp begins. Phew. Some of the other parents asked me if I was staying for the assembly but I just smiled, waved my coffee cup at them and wandered off to my van. I have to psych myself up for summer. Although I have to say, it doesn't feel much like summer today, it's overcast and drizzly, booo. However, as of 10:30am summer is officially on weather cooperating or not, so I'd better get my game on.
Summer tends to be just about the busiest time of year for my husband's business, which translates into us basically spending the summer at home. The girls and I generally become tourists in our own city - I have a couple of guide books to loads of parks, lakes, beaches and trails all around the greater Vancouver area to keep us occupied. We pack some lunch and some water and take off to explore most days of the week. My rule of thumb is, if it's free then I'm all over it! With three kids it's just not financially realistic to take advantage of any of the day camps that run all summer long, much as both myself and the girls would like to at times. Not to mention that even if it were affordable it would still be a logistical nightmare trying to coordinate all three of them into something that each girl actually wants to do, so another good reason to just say forget it, and head off to explore, as I call it. Over the past few summers the kids have gotten used to my system, although it still tends to stress Kate out at times when she realizes that I don't always know exactly where I am...however, so far we have always made it out alive, so I think she has a little more faith in me than she used to.
People always ask if we go away during the summer, to which I say no, other than perhaps one weekend of camping squeezed in somewhere. But I think we stay pretty busy, and I think we have a lot of fun. I mean, who wouldn't want to turn their entire backyard hill into a giant slip and slide? It completely destroys the grass, but hey, this is Vancouver, it'll grow back! The only organized activity I put the kids into is swimming lessons at the local outdoor pool, usually for a few weeks midsummer. We love those mornings, with the girls taking turns in the pool, and whoever isn't swimming is hanging out on a towel with me, reading a book, or whatever. And lets not forget camping out in our own yard, that is a blast, at least for one or two weekends. All in all, summer vacation is a good time, I have to admit.  Being able to be home with the girls is great, I get to feel just like a kid all over again, doing all those lazy summer day things with them - eating freezies, playing in the sprinkler, hanging out at the pool, playing outside on those long summer evenings when it stays light out for ages.
So okay, while I know that there will be times that I long for some peace and quiet all alone, I also know that it will be a great summer. Really, it will. Of course, ask me how I'm doing a month from now, and my thoughts on summer vacation might be completely different, especially if the sun doesn't get into the act and make a decent appearance....but in the meantime I am successfully psyched up and ready to go.
And speaking of going, I have just enough time to top up my coffee and then it's go time - school's almost out!