Free to a good home

This morning I actually put this in my status on Facebook...

Free! to a good home: One female, almost 8 years old, big brown eyes, likes to sleep in your bed with you at night, loves lots of attention, would do well in a home without other children or animals, or basically anything that might detract from one nanosecond of your time away from her, reply to momslosthermind@Ineedadrinknow.com

After struggling with Kate all morning, doing my damnest to keep her on an even keel, letting her eat the last waffles, giving her my perfect egg that I just cooked for myself, helping her "find" the socks that she had hidden in Elizabeth's dresser, I finally lost it when she freaked out on me while I was trying to brush her hair before putting it in a ponytail. I just couldn't take it any more. So I told her that was it, I was done with her bad attitude, her lack of respect for me and the rest of the family, and the rude way that she constantly speaks to us. I told her until she changes her ways, she will have to fend for herself, because I am tired of her wasting my time and energy. Then I proceeded to finish getting myself ready to leave for school, got my coffee in my go cup and told everyone to head out. Meanwhile Kate was running around in her socks screaming at me to put a ponytail in her hair still. I ignored her and left, scraped the ice off the car windows, closed the doors and drove off down the driveway, leaving her shrieking at me to help her put her shoes on in the open doorway of the basement. Of course, I didn't actually continue to drive, much as I wanted to; I put the van in park, walked back and discovered the door shut and locked. Eventually she opened it back up, and I picked up her backpack, her coat and her shoes under one arm, and picked up her under the other and hauled the whole lot back down the driveway to the van, and chucked her and her gear inside. The whole way to school she shouted at me to give her her shoes, which were on the floor in the front. Once at the school I got out, unloaded the other kids and their stuff and said goodbye and then waited stoically for Kate to emerge from the vehicle. Which she did with shoes and coat on, just as her class was filing inside, joining the end of the line, throwing black looks at me over her shoulder. I'm sure she expected me to follow her in, attempt to hug her or something, but I resisted and maintained my mean mommy demeanor and got back in my van and drove home. Where I posted my "ad" on Facebook, poured myself another cup of coffee and went for a walk outside with the dog, breathing deeply and willing myself not to have a coronary over a 7 year old's power struggle. 


If the addage "that which doesn't break you makes you stronger" is really true, I must be fucking superwoman by now.

Parenting through Neglect

Parenting through neglect. The title says it all. It has truly become the mainstay of my parenting style. I honestly believe that by encouraging my children to entertain themselves within the relatively safe environment of my home, that they are well on their way to becoming independent, imaginative and resourceful people. Yes, sometimes - okay, most of the time - the basement aka the kid zone looks like a bomb literally went off in it, what with the bins full of crayons, markers, papers, ribbons and many other various items with potential for creative transformation, cut up bits of paper on the floor, glue and glitter all over the table and hearth. But I figure it's worth it when I get invited downstairs to the pizza shop they have created for example, complete with take out boxes. Or when I have to help settle a labour dispute caused by Kate firing her sister Emily from the pizza shop, who then went out on her own and opened up a TV shop, and then lured away Kate's employee Jada to go and work for her. Again, I played the role of mediator rather than dictator, allowing each party to air their grievances - Em and Jada were willing to come back to work at the pizza shop if Kate would allow to take their coffee breaks together. This apparently was a sore point for Kate, who was against it as she said the other two would take their coffee break and leave her having to sell the pizza alone, which she didn't like. When they all looked at me I just threw it back to them and asked, well, so what are you going to do about this? and eventually they sorted out the breaks etc and all went back downstairs to sell pizzas and TVs together. How can this not be an invaluable education that will have them well prepared for the real world? And all the while I can just stay upstairs and do whatever I damn well please. Well, pretty much. If cooking dinner, folding laundry and doing the dishes counts. My point is that I COULD just go read a book, dance around the kitchen, or watch Sex and the City re-runs if I wanted to. Because my children are busy ENTERTAINING THEMSELVES. And even better, they aren't even watching TV, or playing video games.I know some would argue that they should be spending more time involved in girl guides and art lessons in addition to the sports that they each already play. But somehow I think we all find it so much more enjoyable to spend that time in more of a free form way, rather than adding on to our already busy scheduled trips to soccer, basketball and curling practices and games. So when my 9 year old calls out from her bedroom "hey mom! how do spell time travel?" I say, how do YOU think you spell it. And when she calls out a moment later, "hey mom, how do you spell machine, with a c or an s?" I say it again, and then smile, wondering when I am going to be called in to go for a trip to another dimension. Now THAT'S the kind of trip I'm up for.

back to square one

I am sad to say that we seem to have had a bit of a set back with Kate. She was doing really well when school first started, sleeping in her bed at night instead of on a mattress on the floor beside my bed, getting through her mornings without melting down, and most of her evenings too. However, slowly but surely we seem to be back where we started again. Evenings have been particularly frustrating for us, we have had no  down time at all in the evening without Kate, and she has been throwing big tantrums every night before bed, that last well into the rest of the evening before she finally exhausts herself and falls asleep, usually beside me on the couch. Mornings have been not much better, stressing about what she is wearing, what she wants to eat, and taking out anger on her sisters and me. I am trying to figure out if we have stopped doing something right, or if this is all in response to something else that is going on with her that I haven't picked up on yet. Today she did pretty well in the morning, she got up and waited for both the daycare girls to come and then got on with her morning without too much hoopla. I will have to try changing up her evenings in some way, maybe having her take a bath every night right after supper or something, to break up the pattern she is in right now. Something is wrong, but I havent' been able to put my finger on it yet. I did have a talk with the other girls this week, just to let them know that I'm aware how hard it is for them at times too, and that I'm trying to figure out what's wrong, so I can help Kate cope with her emotions better. They are so good. Anyway, I knew it wasn't something that was going to magically just go away, that it would take time and I just have to stay positive and continue working with her to improve her coping skills.

go blow your nose

So this has been happening for a while, but I guess the with the novelty of Jessica ever so slightly wearing off Kate has been having more temper tantrums again lately. It definitely still helps hugely most mornings, but there have been more of the good old bad old days creeping back in. The evenings generally are still the worst, once all the other kids are gone for the day. Sigh. She is still finding her way up to our room at night most nights at some point again too. Which is a shame since she just got a new mattress and duvet from her grandparents, and then by her request we switched her to the bottom bunk - which makes all kind of sense to me and where she should have been all along. Not that it seems to have made much difference as far as her coming up in the night, but at least it's much easier for me to lie down with her for a few minutes at bed time if need be. But all this aside, the most troubling thing she has been doing for the past few months is this nose blowing habit she has developed. I'm not sure how it started, other than she probably had a bit of a runny nose at some point around the end of the summer and when she was upset found herself needing to blow her nose more often. Anyway, now it has become a nervous habit. She goes through rolls and rolls of toilet paper - I can't keep Kleenex in the house for any time at all - blowing and blowing every time she is weepy or angry about something. And then she throws it all over the bathroom or her bedroom, regardless of how often she is told not to. Part of the nose blowing ritual? She can't seem to throw it away. Last night up she came for some reason in the middle of night, and proceeded to blow her nose over and over again. Which is awful on many levels. The simplest is just that it's damn noisy and I can't get back to sleep. And it's damn annoying, I can feel my temper starting to boil as the blowing goes on and on. Add to that my frustration and worry over why the hell she is doing this in the first place. It has been a compulsion for her, and that's freaky. Throw in my husbands frustration, worry and desperate need to sleep due to the fact that his back is out at the moment, and you have a room full of people on the edge.

Anyway, eventually we all got back to sleep - Kate and Mike within minutes, me within hours, boooo - and today is another day. I am anticipating an issue after school, or maybe even before if she remembers in time - I'm referring to the fact that Kate has basketball Tuesdays after school, and has fussed about going the last 2 weeks. Once she's there she seems fine, and fine afterwards too, so I have chalked it up to simple anxiety. At least she isn't blowing her nose in the gym so far. Mike once again demanded I make an appointment for her to see the doctor again, which I privately think is futile. Your child has to have some pretty major issues before the medical guys take you seriously. I am pretty sure we will go thru the long process of waiting to see the specialist pediatrician once again, only to be told that yes, she gets worried, and yes the nose blowing is a compulsion and a play for attention, and that it will all pass if we ignore it.

So I tell myself to suck it up and carry on, and hope that she does get over this nose blowing thing before she does some kind of actual damage to her nasal passages. Maybe I need to ban her from all tissue and supply her with handkerchiefs to at least cut down on her massive carbon footprint and environmental waste?