back to square one

I am sad to say that we seem to have had a bit of a set back with Kate. She was doing really well when school first started, sleeping in her bed at night instead of on a mattress on the floor beside my bed, getting through her mornings without melting down, and most of her evenings too. However, slowly but surely we seem to be back where we started again. Evenings have been particularly frustrating for us, we have had no  down time at all in the evening without Kate, and she has been throwing big tantrums every night before bed, that last well into the rest of the evening before she finally exhausts herself and falls asleep, usually beside me on the couch. Mornings have been not much better, stressing about what she is wearing, what she wants to eat, and taking out anger on her sisters and me. I am trying to figure out if we have stopped doing something right, or if this is all in response to something else that is going on with her that I haven't picked up on yet. Today she did pretty well in the morning, she got up and waited for both the daycare girls to come and then got on with her morning without too much hoopla. I will have to try changing up her evenings in some way, maybe having her take a bath every night right after supper or something, to break up the pattern she is in right now. Something is wrong, but I havent' been able to put my finger on it yet. I did have a talk with the other girls this week, just to let them know that I'm aware how hard it is for them at times too, and that I'm trying to figure out what's wrong, so I can help Kate cope with her emotions better. They are so good. Anyway, I knew it wasn't something that was going to magically just go away, that it would take time and I just have to stay positive and continue working with her to improve her coping skills.

go blow your nose

So this has been happening for a while, but I guess the with the novelty of Jessica ever so slightly wearing off Kate has been having more temper tantrums again lately. It definitely still helps hugely most mornings, but there have been more of the good old bad old days creeping back in. The evenings generally are still the worst, once all the other kids are gone for the day. Sigh. She is still finding her way up to our room at night most nights at some point again too. Which is a shame since she just got a new mattress and duvet from her grandparents, and then by her request we switched her to the bottom bunk - which makes all kind of sense to me and where she should have been all along. Not that it seems to have made much difference as far as her coming up in the night, but at least it's much easier for me to lie down with her for a few minutes at bed time if need be. But all this aside, the most troubling thing she has been doing for the past few months is this nose blowing habit she has developed. I'm not sure how it started, other than she probably had a bit of a runny nose at some point around the end of the summer and when she was upset found herself needing to blow her nose more often. Anyway, now it has become a nervous habit. She goes through rolls and rolls of toilet paper - I can't keep Kleenex in the house for any time at all - blowing and blowing every time she is weepy or angry about something. And then she throws it all over the bathroom or her bedroom, regardless of how often she is told not to. Part of the nose blowing ritual? She can't seem to throw it away. Last night up she came for some reason in the middle of night, and proceeded to blow her nose over and over again. Which is awful on many levels. The simplest is just that it's damn noisy and I can't get back to sleep. And it's damn annoying, I can feel my temper starting to boil as the blowing goes on and on. Add to that my frustration and worry over why the hell she is doing this in the first place. It has been a compulsion for her, and that's freaky. Throw in my husbands frustration, worry and desperate need to sleep due to the fact that his back is out at the moment, and you have a room full of people on the edge.

Anyway, eventually we all got back to sleep - Kate and Mike within minutes, me within hours, boooo - and today is another day. I am anticipating an issue after school, or maybe even before if she remembers in time - I'm referring to the fact that Kate has basketball Tuesdays after school, and has fussed about going the last 2 weeks. Once she's there she seems fine, and fine afterwards too, so I have chalked it up to simple anxiety. At least she isn't blowing her nose in the gym so far. Mike once again demanded I make an appointment for her to see the doctor again, which I privately think is futile. Your child has to have some pretty major issues before the medical guys take you seriously. I am pretty sure we will go thru the long process of waiting to see the specialist pediatrician once again, only to be told that yes, she gets worried, and yes the nose blowing is a compulsion and a play for attention, and that it will all pass if we ignore it.

So I tell myself to suck it up and carry on, and hope that she does get over this nose blowing thing before she does some kind of actual damage to her nasal passages. Maybe I need to ban her from all tissue and supply her with handkerchiefs to at least cut down on her massive carbon footprint and environmental waste?

Fall back

Well, one month into a new school year and counting. Feels like fall, getting cool, wet, windy, lots of leaves in the gutter. Had the fireplace lit last night. Kate had a "relapse" morning yesterday, for lack of a better term. Apparently she had been told by her teacher and the school librarian that she had not returned a certain book to the library, and would not be allowed to borrow any more books until said book was returned. However, Kate was quite certain that she had never borrowed the book in question in the first place. In typical Kate fashion, she did not relay this to me calmly, but rather let it stew inside her until she came to me with the story, bursting into tears as she told me about it. I managed to soothe her by assuring her I would personally talk to both her teacher and the librarian and sort it all out. Now, she first told me of all this on Friday. The Thanksgiving long weekend followed, and she didn't mention it once during that time. But then Tuesday morning rolled around. She might have coped alright, except that unfortunately we were not expecting any of my daycare kids that day, in particular her touchstone J. And so she could hold it together no longer, out poured all her fears and tears, and she spent the entire morning before school in a state of total hysteria. Of course it all worked out in the end, I spoke with the teachers, the librarian hunted around and lo and behold located the book on the shelves where it belonged, and she had a conversation with Kate about what had happened. But before all that we - meaning myself and her sisters - had to endure a morning of high emotional distress, not to mention the state that Kate got herself into. Sure, she doesn't lose it maybe as often as she did this time last year. But when she does it is so hard for her to pull it back together again. Not to mention the fact that now when it happens I have noticed that her body odor becomes very strong, not usual for the average 7 year old, but I guess to be expected from one who is going through extreme duress. Once she had finally calmed down slightly yesterday morning I checked her to see if I could smell any trace of B.O., and sure enough there it was. Obviously the last thing I wanted to do was make her feel bad again, so without a word I fetched my deodorant - an all natural brand - from upstairs and showed it to her. She nodded, lifted her shirt and let me apply some to her underarms. Guess this was one case where having an open bathroom door policy helped me out - she has seen me use deodorant daily on myself, and knows what it's for.
Anyway, we survived another emotionally disastrous morning, and today J arrived bright and early, and everything was smooth sailing. I find myself depending heavily on the presence of a 9 year old to get us through our days - perhaps I could clone her so I will never have to be without her?

back to school

I'm back. After a small hiatus this summer, school is back in and I have my computer to myself again. I made a decision to start doing before and after school care for 3 other girls, and took them more or less full time during the month of August, so I got a chance to see how it's going to play out. So far, so great, I have to say. Interestingly, all three girls are only children. They all get along well with my girls, and we had little to no conflicts all month. Now that school is back in, they are only together for a brief period of time before and after school, so hopefully it will continue to be a success for everyone. I have to say that the most exciting development to come out of this so far has been how well Kate has responded to the new situation. She is just a totally different child in the mornings now, and after school too. Where previously she was always very stressed, anxious and aggressive before school, now she is happy, organized, engaged with the other kids. After school she used to have a break down as soon as she got in the car, and it would continue for most if not all of the evening. So far this year she has not only kept it together but has drastically improved her coping skills when tired or bored. The key to this success seems to be her relationship with one of the girls in particular. I have known J since she was in grade 1, when she was in my Sparks (Girl Guides) group with Elizabeth, who was in kindergarten at the time. She is probably the quietest child I have ever known up till now. But that has changed too - she is definitely not quiet in my house! Anyway, she and Kate hit it off, and seem to really click. From what J's mum has told me, J is also very happy, so I am really really hoping that this continues. For both of them! For all of us!!

the talk

I've noticed that my eldest daughter Elizabeth seems to be going through a new phase lately. I call it her roll her eyes and argue with everything I ask her to do phase. Which is usually followed by her shouting that I am not fair and stomping off to her room weeping phase. Anyway, Saturday I decided I had had enough. I was feeling somewhat fragile myself, having just kicked off day one of my menstrual cycle, and it occurred to me that while Elizabeth is only nine and hopefully a few years away still from being initiated into the joys of being a woman, ha ha, she may start to exhibit other symptoms of the oncoming hormonal onslaught. Like, oh say, being in one hell of a bitchy mood and then flipping over into tears moments later for little to no apparent reason. So I figured I should be a proactive mom and have a little talk with her about her recent crabbiness etc. I grabbed a fresh cup of coffee and invited her to come and sit on the deck with me for a chat. As we headed outside my husband spotted us and said "oh, hey, I'll come sit with you guys too, it's such a nice morning." I hesitated - don't get me wrong, he's a great dad, and pretty valiant when it comes to girl talk, but I wasn't sure I wanted him present for her first girl talk. Especially since I wasn't entirely sure what I planned on saying in the first place, and didn't really think I was up to any cute comments on the state of my own mind at this particular time of month. So I switched gears and suggested that Elizabeth and I go sit on the front porch instead, while trying to not hurt my husband's feelings too much in the process by assuring him that he could be part of any future girl chats. We had just made it to the front door when her sisters popped around the corner and asked where we going. I told them we were just going to have a little chat on the porch, and of course they immediately asked if they could join us. Sigh. I guess I could have said no, but I had a feeling I wasn't going to get away with saying no to anyone else that morning. So I found myself a moment later seated on the front porch with three captive listeners, eagerly awaiting me to impart some great words of wisdom. Crap. I started by discussing how grumpy E had been lately, and how sometimes you can have good reasons to be grumpy or sad, and sometimes you don't seem to have any reason at all, and then attempted to segue into an explanation of hormones and feelings, and getting your period, and at that point just when I was thinking I was doing pretty well Elizabeth raised her hand. "So okay, Mom, you've explained before about the whole egg and sperm thing, and I get that, I mean it's like salmon, right, the boy salmon fertilizing the eggs that the girl salmon laid, but what I'd like to hear is more about exactly how Dad fertilized your eggs, like how does he get his penis in there, how does he make the sperm come out, you know, that kind of stuff?" And before I could answer Emily says "Oh, I know, he puts it into her vagina, because she keeps her eggs in there instead of laying them like a salmon or say, a chicken, right mom?" And then "But wait, a chicken! How does the sperm get into that hard egg shell anyway?" "Yeah mom, how, are our eggs like that, boy that must be hard work for Dad to get his sperm to break through those shells" and that was it, conversation officially out of my control and over. I suppose I could have reeled it in or at least attempted to at that point, but by then I realized that my neighbors were on the other side of the fence enjoying their morning coffee, and our voices were carrying nicely in the morning breeze. Plus it was all I could do not to break out into hysterical laughter.  Fearing that I might be about to mentally scar them all for life on the subject of sex, I had sudden visions of them saying things like,"my mom says that my dad has to use his penis like a battering ram to break through to her eggs..."or something along those lines being shared amongst their friends at the playground, only to be passed along to all the other parents in our neighborhood, and my phone would start ringing off the hook with calls from outraged mothers wanting to know what kind of disgusting obscenities I have been teaching my children, and I would be thrown off the Parent Advisory Council in shame, never to be able to show my face at school again...so I smiled and said well, I just wanted to talk about feeling cranky and sad, and so if you have any questions about that don't be afraid to ask, and we'll save the rest for another day...and went for another cup of coffee. Maybe I should have let Mike have the talk with her after all.

time out

Although I haven't written often this summer, this week I find myself looking at my blog from a slightly different angle. I know that usually I write of the more humorous moments of my mothering experiences, but now and then something happens to remind me that there is another side to it all. Today I am thinking about another mother of three daughters who I know. She is actually my sister in law's mother, and I sometimes call her my "other" mother in law, as we have gotten to know each other fairly well over the past few years. Anyway, something happened this week, something that I am finding has wrenched at part of me somewhere deep inside, and I think it's because I am looking at this something from a mother's perspective. I find myself being constantly confronted throughout my day by it, in my routine dealings with my daughters, and it literally makes me catch at my breath for a moment as a wave of what I can only describe as sorrow washes over me. What happened was that my other mother in law's oldest daughter died on Tuesday, after losing an amazingly courageous battle with cancer.  And while I knew her daughter, and have been great friends with my sister in law for many years now, what strikes at me the hardest is how my other mother in law's life is forever changed because of what she has lost. I keep thinking of things like Mother's Day, how it will never be the same for her again, that it will always be tinged with some sorrow, no matter how happy and grateful she might be for her remaining two daughters. I guess that is part of life, learning how to live with that and carry on, but what a hole it must leave in your heart.
I am not one of those people who believe that "everything happens for a reason". I don't believe that at all. What purpose does taking a wonderful loving person away from her life serve? None that I can see. I do believe in free will, and making conscious choices to cope with the curve balls that life throws at you. That being said, I find myself holding my girls a little tighter this week, and counting my blessings a little more carefully. I suppose the only good thing I can take away from this tragedy is that it does give one pause; it nudges at me to stop and smell the roses, spend some extra time just enjoying my girls. I'm just sorry that it sometimes takes something terrible to remind us of something good.

sleepovers

We have reached the age of the slumber party, oh my. The girls have all had sleepovers at their grandparents house - which is located about two minutes from my house - since they were babies, but now we are branching out into new territory. Elizabeth started her summer off with two back to back slumber parties, one at a friend's followed the next weekend by a birthday slumber party at our house for a group of nine year old girls. What is it about having a sleepover that is so exciting, so desirable, even at such a young age? I flash back in time to my own preteen/teenage years, and all the slumber parties I attended. As with most all girl events, there is plenty of social stress to go around at some point or another. Who gets to sleep next to who, what kind of pj's you brought to wear, who has the coolest game to play, it's all part of the girl hierarchy that naturally seems to come into play during an evening like this. Here's a question: do boys have slumber parties? They must, but what happens at them? I'm quite sure they are fundamentally different in some way from the girls' version, but how exactly? I have no sons, so I will probably never know the answer to that. All I know is that with the girls there just seems to be a certain amount of angst, as there tends to be in any all girl related gathering, but it seems to be heightened at a slumber party.  Men always seem to envision slumber parties as erotic pillow fighting escapades. I can say from personal experience that while there might be pillow fighting, it is not exactly what I recall as erotic. But there is for sure a certain heightened amount of tension present, and I think it has to do more with the social hierarchy aspect of things - the establishment of a pecking order within the usual pecking order as such. What I mean is that usually only the girls who are within the hostesses inner circle of friends are generally invited to sleepover in the first place. On a daily basis, they stand by each other and each have a sense of comfort in their status as part of their group. However, everything seems to shift at a slumber party. Suddenly, all bets are off, and there is a scramble for acceptance within the group that is palpable. I watched it happen at Elizabeth's party - as the hostess she was granted a certain automatic queen bee status, with the others all competing to fit in somewhere. I watched as one of the girls had clearly been granted special status  - she sat next to E during the movie we played outdoors after dark on our deck, and of course the ultimate gift of being the one who slept next to her that night. A couple of the other girls paired off with each other, and seemed quite happy within the ranks, while a lone girl seemed to be somehow both on the fringe of the group and yet questing for queen status all night. Interestingly, she had not been on the original guest list, but had phoned Elizabeth and managed to somehow wrangle an invite for herself.
Anyway, it's much like summer vacation type memories for me from the same period of time - they are almost visceral in their intensity and definitely evoke an emotional, if not completely nostalgic response in me. It's Sunday morning, and Elizabeth is currently still at a friend's house, having been invited to sleep there last night. I realize that she is entering a new phase of girlhood, has been for some time, but the summer time sleepover thing is what has really made it hit home. Mind you, for all her growing up I noticed that she didn't forget to bring her favorite stuffed dog with her for the evening. And whenever Elizabeth has a sleepover away from home, I get to have a slumber party of my own it would seem. Her twin sisters had great plans last night to sleep in the spare bedroom in the basement. We got them both all tucked in with various stuffies and blankies, said good night and retreated to the living room one floor up. I believe it was 30 seconds later, although Mike says we should "give" them a full minute, that the girls appeared in the living room with all their gear, saying they had changed their minds and would be sleeping in their own room instead. And then about a minute after that Kate appeared and said she couldn't sleep in there without Elizabeth and could she sleep in our room? Followed moments later by Emily saying that she certainly didn't want to sleep all by herself, and could she sleep in our room too? All of which I had been completely prepared for and within in minutes had them both set up on the floor of my bedroom and sound asleep among the laundry hampers of yet to be folded clothes.
The phone just rang and it was my eldest daughter reporting in, due home within the hour. Things must have gone well as her buddy is coming with her to spend the day at our place. Maybe later I will find a way to get them all to take a nap....!