new shoes

It must be yet another one of those mysterious genetic things, the relationship between females and shoes. Honestly, there is just about nothing a new pair of shoes won't make better. After taking/dragging Elizabeth to the doctor Saturday morning, causing her to miss out on a birthday party - evil evil mom! - I ended up driving to the nearest mall with my three grumpy offspring in a snowstorm to appease them with offerings of new running shoes. Elizabeth was of course bitter about missing out on the party to go to the doctor and be told she has tonsillitis and be put on antibiotics which taste SUPER (not), and the twins were bitter because I had originally planned to take them out for some shopping fun while Elizabeth was at her party - the twins each got a couple of gift cards to Chapters back in January for their birthday and they are just burning holes in their pockets I tell ya, they are dying to use them. So no birthday party, no Chapters trip, three miserable kids in the back seat, and a long long day stretching out before me, so I literally turned right instead of left and drove through the snow to a nearby mall, marched them to the nearest Payless shoe store, and told them they had 10 minutes to settle on a pair of running shoes each. Woohoo! And suddenly I'm not so evil any more. Kids in a candy store, girls in a shoe store, same thing. It's a bit of an invasion when we shoe shop. I demand precision in their choices - the shoes must fit, must be comfortable after several test walks through the store, and they must be able to get them on and off on their own without difficulty. Kate was really humming and hawing over what to even try on - my spider senses told me she was looking for a pair with LACES, since one of her cousins just got a pair with laces. And of course, nothing but velcro in sight. Em meanwhile had just pulled down one shoe from every pair on the shelf to try on, but I could see she was leaning towards the ones with the rubber balls built into the sole, I suspect she had visions of herself jumping incredibly high with them. Elizabeth was around the corner in the next aisle to make matters more complicated, being a bigger size than her sisters. She of course was also hesitating to try anything on, because what SHE really wanted wasn't practical running shoes at all,  I knew she was eyeballing the sparkly high top runners, and the boots, oh the boots. So I physically put 2 pairs of running shoes in her hand, told her to put them on and choose, and then went back around the corner to see if Kate had made any progress. By now I had commanded the attention of not only the sales lady, but the manager of the store as well, who was climbing ladders in search of a pair of shoes in a 13 and a half with LACES. Which she found in due time and presented them to Kate, who's eyes literally started to glaze over when she saw them, all silver and pink and shiny, with bright white LACES....I knew she would tell me they fit whether they did or not, so I wrote her off as done and left her to salivate over her selection. Em meanwhile had devastated the size one section, with every box on the shelf missing at least one shoe, and she had the aisle filled with cast offs as she worked her way through each pair. Of course she ended up going with the ones with the green rubber balls in the sole, the first ones she had tried on. And finally Elizabeth appeared with a pair in hand - apparently she had given up hope that I might weaken and give in to her shoe shopping fantasy of taking home highly stylish yet completely impractical shoes, and had selected a pair similar to Emily's, with rubber bouncy balls in the sole. And then the moment of truth came - as I was paying for them  - and getting an additional 20% off from the nice manager lady, who may have given it to me just to get us out of the store - Emily and Elizabeth were presented with a promotional rubber bouncy ball that came with their shoes...uh oh. The ultimate decision now lay with Kate. LACES or a bouncy ball? LACES or a bouncy ball? I could see her struggling with the realization of what her particular shoe decision was about to cost her. I held my breath and looked the other way, and then heard a quiet voice say "well, I like my laces anyway." Whew, disaster averted. And off we all went, back out into the snow to journey home, clutching their precious shoe boxes all the way. And then they rushed into the house shrieking to their father that they had NEW SHOES and showed them off, and he gave me that "Girls! go figure" smile and oohhed and ahhhed appropriately.   And the bouncy balls bounced, and Kate tied and tied and tied those laces till she could do it with her eyes closed - which she actually did, and demonstrated to me several times. The only thing that would have made the whole experience any better was if I had bought myself a new pair of shoes too...!

my job

Today is hot lunch day at school. It is only the second time this year the girls' school has had one, so it's a very big deal. They are mucho excited. In fact, it's quite amazing what they would do to not miss school today. Elizabeth is battling a cold, I know she feels way less than good yet she insisted again this morning that she felt 100% and then disappeared to the bathroom to blow and blow and blow her nose. She had a sore throat again last night, but this morning was talking away to prove how fine everything is. She is just like me. Deny deny deny that anything is wrong, until it basically clubs you over the head and forces you down for the count. It worries me, she has always been like this. She will get up in the night and actually puke, and put herself back to bed, and not bother to tell me about it till the next day. She has a huge blister that peeled off the bottom of her foot leaving a big raw patch that she has been doctoring herself when I'm not around, and I only found out about it when I caught her in the kitchen digging around in the medicine cupboard in search of a bigger bandaid. Every time something like this happens I beg her to tell me sooner next time, to let me help her, because as I explain to her, I am her mother and that is my JOB!!! And how can I do my job properly if she doesn't let me in on the little details? It really worries me, I mean, will she end up having her period for 2 years before I figure it out? Once she was old enough to shower and wash herself, it's been so much more difficult to keep up with her physical condition. I try to be very open, and ask questions and remind her - and her sisters - that I'm a girl too, and if they have a question about something to do with their body there is a very good chance that I may have the answers, and they just have to ask. I tell them that's my job, to help them with things like that. I don't mind that she wants to take care of herself, she is an independent kid and that's great, but everybody needs a little help from time to time, and I just want her to know that's it's okay to ask for it when she needs it. A lesson I had to work on myself deep into adulthood, so if I can help her figure that one out a little sooner in life maybe things will be a little easier for her!
Anyway, cold or no cold, sore foot be damned, she was as always the first person ready and heading out the door to school this morning. As she turned to head into class, I called out "hey Elizabeth, don't forget..." and she cut me off with a roll of her eyes and a smile, "yeah mom, I know, I'll call you if I don't feel well", and waved and disappeared inside.
I had to recover from that the only way I know how - I followed the twins right into school, to their cloakroom outside their door, helped them with jackets and boots, wiped their faces, gave them hugs and kisses and then peeled myself away and left the building before I embarrassed them any more than I already had. At least they are still little enough to allow me my mommy moments when I need them.

Dreams

Yes, it's Wednesday, it's all downhill from here to the weekend, phew. Kate has been having bad dreams every night for the past week, and showing up in the wee hours to sleep in my bed with me. Which means I am sandwiched between her and my husband, and they are both restless sleepers. Which adds up to several nights of crappy sleep for me, sigh. I have asked Kate what she dreams about, but until today she was drawing a blank, saying she couldn't remember anything, just that they were bad. When you're running on low sleep and your child shows up yet again at 1am to sleep with you, you do begin to doubt whether she is actually having a bad dream, or just enjoys the proximity of snuggling all night with mom - which of course my daughter is well known for. However this morning at breakfast something must have tweaked her memory, because she suddenly blurted out that she remembered her bad dream. Now, I have to admit I know she was dreaming after she joined me in bed last night, because at one point she shouted out in her sleep "Nooo!!" or something like that. So she tells me this morning that she was dreaming that we were riding in a car, and then we went over a bump, and she fell out, and we didn't notice and kept driving away without her....yikes. That IS a scary dream. Good grief. I have to ask myself, is this a "normal" dream for a 7 year old? Did I dream things like at her age? I did have a recurring nightmare that made no sense - no matter what I was dreaming at some point a little speck would appear and get bigger and bigger until I could see that it was this shining moon with a smily face, and it would keep getting bigger until it covered everything and I couldn't breathe and then I would wake up yelling...! Years later I was babysitting and we were watching a show called "The Friendly Giant" and at the end of every show, there was a song and a toy cow jumped over a shiny moon face...and oh my god, it was the scary moon face of my dreams, go figure how THAT got embedded into my psyche as an object of terror. So who knows what's normal I guess. As for Kate, the part that does seem typical of her dreams at least is a theme of being separated from me and our family, which I suppose isn't that strange for a little girl. And it would definitely explain why she feels the need to come up and get into bed beside me after having such a dream, even if she can't remember the details. Which is why I allow it, and try not to make a big deal when she shows up in the middle of the night needing some comfort. Before I had my kids I swore I wouldn't be one of those parents who allow their children to sleep with them. However, once you become a parent I guess you realize that every child is different, and you have to adjust your "plan" accordingly.
Hopefully Kate's dreams will settle down soon, and I can have some breathing room in bed again. Otherwise I will have to seriously consider upgrading to a king size mattress - it's amazing how much space a 7 year old can take up!

high anxiety

I met with Kate and Emily's teacher yesterday after school to talk about a workshop she participated in last week. It was about about kids and managing anxiety. She and I have been working together this year with my daughter Kate specifically, who is a kid who worries a lot about things. So her teacher is pretty excited about this workshop she took, because she thinks it could be a great tool for she and I to use with Kate, and the other kids too. We will make it a family affair. One of the things they learned was that apparently one in five kids come to school with anxiety. Some have more, some have less. So based on this, Mrs F., the girls' teacher, wants to learn more about it herself, since as she said for each child who has a parent like me who is proactive with the teacher in identifying that there is a concern, there are many other kids who are just carrying their worries around inside them, and they are not learning any coping skills to help them deal with them. If the anxiety is high enough for long enough, it can contribute to other problems such as depression.
Anyway, it is a 12 week program that we agreed we are going to tackle. Mrs. F. will work on her end of it at school, and I will do my share here at home. I had a quick look at the workbook, and it looks very interesting - lots of activities that we can do as a group, and I think it could be very helpful not just for Kate but for all of us. I mean, who doesn't have worries sometimes? Who isn't afraid of something? We all are, and I for one would welcome learning a new way to cope with my own worries and fears. Anything that helps me get back to sleep in the middle of the night when I wake up instead of lying there stressing about all kinds of things that I can't actually do anything about at 3am anyway sounds like a bonus to me!
We are going to start next week I think, once I have a copy of the workbooks. I'm excited, wish me luck!!

drama queens

My girls are so dramatic. I know Mom, I know, I hear your voice in my head right now - "oh Lisa, stop being so dramatic!" I am getting my comeuppance, it's true. There was no school Friday, so I took the girls out to buy soccer shoes for the twins, and shin pads etc as they will be starting spring soccer in a few weeks. They have never played before and so far Kate is quite keen, but Emily is not so sure about the whole thing. Which is interesting since it's generally Kate who gets stressy about doing something new, and Em who just goes with the flow and doesn't worry much about it. So when we got home from our shopping trip they asked if they could put on all their new gear and practice outside with their older sister Elizabeth, who is just finishing her first year in soccer. I helped them get everything on and off they all went. A short time later while I was in my room folding laundry Emily appeared in a muddy pair of cleats, threw herself down flat on her back and declared loudly that she hates soccer and she never wants to play it again. Trying to keep it casual, I asked why. "Because I have been trying all day to run with the ball and I still can't do it!"she wailed. "I am just no good at this game!!!" Ah me. So I reminded her that Elizabeth didn't learn how to play in one day, and that lots of other kids will be new at it, and then told her that when I played soccer I certainly wasn't the best player on my team. In fact, I told her, I wasn't even close to being the best player on my team, but I still had a lot of fun. My sad lack of talent made her happy - she cheered up and rushed off to tell her sisters what a crappy soccer play their mom had been too.
Saturday I took them all for a walk at a local regional park beside the river that runs past our place. After a squabble over carrying the water bottle, Kate sat down in the middle of the trail and stated that she wasn't going to move until someone else carried the bottle, even though it was her turn to do so. I ignored her and carried on walking. She gave up fast when she realized we were all leaving her behind and jumped up yelling at us to wait up, and then of course she tripped and fell right back down again hard onto the rocky path. Karma...Well, the way she carried on you would have thought a tree had fallen on her. In all fairness, she did cut her knee open. After I got a bandaid on her - I never go for hike without some first aid supplies! - we carried on. Even though it was cold out, she rolled her pant leg all the way to her thigh and left it that way for the rest of the walk, because she said it really hurt if her pants touched her knee and so on. I held her hand and she whimpered a lot but we made it back to the parking lot in one piece. I was thinking that wasn't too bad when she suddenly burst into tears again and wailed that she didn't want us to stop walking - why were stopping now?? Sigh.
The next morning Elizabeth had a soccer game, second last of the season. It has been her first year and she loves playing, but had yet to score a goal. The coaches were trying to get all the girls positioned to score at least once before the season was over, but it just hadn't happened. I had my camera all set to bring with us when Elizabeth suddenly shrieked "No mom, no!!! You'll jinx me for sure if you bring that thing!!! Please please don't bring it!!" Oh my god. Alright alright, I won't bring it, I told her. Just relax and enjoy the game, and it'll happen. Then of course I was the basket case on the side lines when in fact she did finally score that goal. I was whooping and jumping around with the other parents like a bunch of lunatics, while she just gave me a shy smile as if to say oh mom, really, what's the big deal?

Gossip girls

What's up with girls and gossip? Why do we all love it so much? Even the most righteous of women out there cannot deny that they love to hear some juicy intimate detail about someone else's life. Even if you don't pass judgement on it, even if you go on to condemn those who are doing the gossiping, you cannot deny that you still listened in the first place. And that some part of you thought, oh how interesting, or compared your life to the person being gossiped about. And it starts so early. For example, yesterday after school the kids all came running out to announce that the new girls had started in class that day. Girls from three different grades were all chattering to each other and to us mothers in great detail about two sisters who were new to the school, giving us info on everything from what colour their hair is, how long it is, what kind of glasses they wore, what kind of backpacks they had and so on. Then the juicy stuff came out. "oh, and by the way, the older sister is a BULLY!" my older daughter announced in a hushed voice. And all the other little girls nodded their heads that apparently this was so. Good grief. Of course, I had to tackle that one, and asked how they could possibly think that when the girl in question had just started school and how well could they really know her at this point? Elizabeth didn't hesitate to take me on. "Because we heard that she was kicking and hitting at lunch." She thought she had me there. "Did you see this kicking and hitting?" I asked. "No, but so and so told us it happened." "Well, I think first of all you'd better remember that not everything you hear is always exactly true. Plus, don't forget this is her first day at a new school and maybe she is feeling nervous and lonely. I think you need to give her more time before you make up your mind about her", I suggested. They all said okay, but I could see that it wouldn't take much to sway them back again. Girls. It's one of those things that we just don't grow out of. It's like the X chromosome carries an I'm-a-big-meanie gene. Maybe the Y chromosome has something to counteract it, and that is why men in general fight in a more straightforward fashion. As in throw a couple punches and then go for beers. Meanwhile as females, we have not just one X but two, which when combined forms the Gossip Girl factor. I don't know. I know it's not right to gossip, especially in an unkind way. But I can't deny that I still listen in when anyone is sharing. Maybe that's all it is. In that moment, I am part of the group, I am safe, I am NOT the one being gossiped about. It's almost primal really, just not wanting to be outcast from the pack. But regardless, I will have to challenge my daughters to question gossip. Whether it's true, and whether it even matters. And also what harm it may cause another person if they join in perpetuating the gossip. Because it could be them next. And how would they feel then?

hand me downs

How does that saying go, one person's trash is another persons treasure? Something like that. I have a friend who has a friend who at least twice a year bags up all the clothes that her two daughters have outgrown, and takes them to my friends house. Who then calls me and tells me to come and get them, which eventually I do. And I tell ya, it's like Christmas Day and Fashion Week all rolled into one when those bags get to my house. It has to be one of my girls favorite things to do, sorting through those bags, trying on clothes. It's quite the process, especially since Kate and Emily - being twins - are basically the same size. I used to sit and do it with them, but the last couple times I have let them have at it in the spare bedroom downstairs. I listen in occasionally, but for the most part let them work out who gets what, and act as the audience in the ongoing parade of outfits whenever they think they have something really special. While they may argue over a lot - actually it seems like sometimes they argue over EVERYTHING - somehow they seem to manage dividing up the clothes amongst themselves without much fuss. I can only attribute this to the fact that they each have pretty specific tastes in what they wear, and each have a different favorite colour. Elizabeth has it easiest, since she's the only one in her size category. As for the other two, Em likes the more glam/feminine styles, and Kate goes for tshirts and track pants, and anything green. The girls the clothes come from are older, but have similar body types to my kids, so usually most of the stuff fits pretty well.
I just find it so interesting that two 7  year olds and an 8 year old can be so totally consumed by a bag of clothes. It's such a girly thing to do. It's not something I taught them, you can't teach that kind of passion! I know I'm generalizing, but on average, I suspect that if my kids were boys that the bags of clothes would not hold the same fascination at all. I don't have any boys, so I can't say for sure of course.
Anyway, I am always glad to have them, clothes aren't cheap especially for three kids. Plus the one thing I feel I do get to teach them is a lesson in recycling, how things don't have to be new to be "good".
I just wish they would work out their differences in other things as well as they do with the clothes...

don't ask me

I am going to assume that I did the exact same thing as a child, and most likely I still do it today, so maybe it's just a female thing but it's no fun to be on the receiving end of it! I'm talking about when my daughters say things like, do you like this pair of pants, or THIS pair of pants? And I pick one and then they wear the other one. Or, should I wear one pony tail or two? And I say one and they freak out and say but I want two!!!  What the hell? Or should I wear my rain boots today or my runners? And I say better wear your boots, it's pretty muddy out there, and they immediately counter with something like well, it's not that muddy...!!!! I suppose it's the equivalent of the adult female's "do these pants make me look fat?" question that every husband out there must dread. Because it's a no win situation, and now I think I get it when I ask MY husband that sort of question and he looks like a deer in the headlights and disappears really fast from the vicinity, usually citing a sudden emergency that he must see to out in the garage. Just another case of karmic revenge being wreaked upon me I guess. Is there a way to stop the madness, break the cycle? Probably not, it's just another one of those rites of passage that I will just have to suck up and deal with, wahhh.

Bieber Fever

I decided to involve myself in a sociological experiment today, one of immense importance and great distinction among modern day families, particularly but not exclusively relevant to families of young girls. Yes, that's right, I took one of my daughters to see the new Justin Bieber movie, Never Say Never, just released this weekend. Never Say Never indeed. A few short months ago I lived in a house of anti - Biebers, or so I thought. My girls all seemed more than genuinely uninterested in this super pop phenomenon, in fact they were quite vocal in their dislike of him, right down to his iconic hairdo. For those of you who aren't quite up to speed, i.e. you don't read the paper, surf the net, listen to the radio or watch tv, J.B. is a 16 year old pop star of Michael Jackson/Beatles proportions, by far due to the overwhelming power of the internet, in particular sites like YouTube. In fact, if you google Youtube, you will get a list of categories to view, and one of the top selections listed is Justin Bieber. Now, I was on the oh phooey JB bandwagon along with my girls, right up until one recent day when Kate came to me in private and whispered in my ear that uh, she actually liked Justin Bieber. Hmmm. Knowing this was a big move for her to go out on a limb on her own, up against her sisters opinions, I figured I had better find out a little more about this Bieber kid. So I downloaded some music from iTunes, surfed the net and decided that he really wasn't so bad. In fact, when you get right down to it, he's pretty damn good. So today, Kate and I bit the bullet and went to his new movie together.
And I have to say, wow, it was highly entertaining, from both our points of view. A very well made film, it definitely does what it's supposed to do, which is to make you into a Justin Bieber convert, in case you aren't already a fan. Tons of home movie footage of him as an adorable music prodigy, which he undeniably is. Interviews with his humble, sweet mom and grandparents who are all just good, honest god fearing small town Canadians. And of course a whole whack of slick concert footage, all done in 3D for that extra personal touch. And I do mean personal. After a few songs etc when JB pointed his 3D finger and held out his hand to us the audience Kate turned to me and said "mom, when Justin points his finger like that he is pointing it just at me!" Wow.  Now that's some amazing marketing.
But all cynicism aside, I really did enjoy the show. It was the first time I've done this kind of thing with one of my girls, and it was a lot of fun, right up to the last moment of the movie, when a preschool aged JB looks into the camera and says "I love you!" and all the teenage girls in the theatre shrieked back "We love you too Justin!!!" and Kate and I had a great giggle over it.
If nothing else, I hope I am lucky enough to be trusted like this when it comes to all three of my girls crushes in the years to come. And I hope I remember to at least try to do for them what I did for Justin, and give all those future boys the same chance I gave him.:)
Just don't let me down JB!

battle rages on

Yes, that's right, yet another battle took place after school, this time between Kate and her cousin. A simple disagreement over whether they had been in the same preschool or not erupted into tears, yelling and hitting. They did in fact go to the same preschool for a year, but my girls had been to a different one the year before. Basically a case of "I'm right!" "No, I"M right!" with neither side willing to back down. And then it progressed to "You're not even my friend. I only play with you at school because I have to..." and so on. Damn, girls are so MEAN. I had to butt in at that point of course, and shut it down, with my loud scary mommy voice that THAT WAS ENOUGH. After a short and hopefully to the point conversation with them regarding the rules of the house - no hitting, no calling names - I told them to go cool off. For once my daughter was outdone by someone else - usually Kate can keep a battle going for a good long time, but her cousin is apparently also a master at this! She sat in a corner under her jacket for close to an hour working on some stellar wailing, shouting at anyone who dared to come near her. Eventually Kate even started trying to coax her out with food. Of course, once everyone got bored and disappeared downstairs, cousin T ventured forth from her corner and accepted a snack from me in the kitchen. I was getting stuff ready for dinner, and casually chatted with her about cousins who are also friends, who also are in the same class at school, and who also spend after school time together every week too, and how that's a lot of time to spend with the same people, and how sometimes those people probably just need a break from each other...Then she wandered downstairs.  From what I could hear (yes, I was eavesdropping!!) there were a few more half hearted attempts to stir the pot back up - like not letting the other kids pass by without saying the password, which of course no one knew - but I guess all good things finally come to an end, and just before my sister in law was due to arrive Kate and T skipped up the stairs in near hysterical good spirits, hand in hand, singing. Friends again, ahhh. For now anyway!

Getting in on the action

Just when you think you have them figured out, they go and change it all up again! Yesterday I was writing about sibling rivalry, and fighting between my daughters. I mentioned that Emily tends to avoid most confrontations and doesn't get into it as much as the other two - I called her peace loving I think. Well,  so much for that theory! Yesterday after school I had my 2 nieces at our house, and all five girls seemed to be playing just fine, and then I heard some shouting coming from downstairs which sounded oddly like Emily....then more shrieking from all the girls, followed by the girls themselves all trooping upstairs with Em in the lead stomping and yelling and weeping angry tears. It was so unlike her that it just about left me speechless. She yelled that someone had taken over her spot on the couch, and now no one would let her sit down with them, and then went wailing off to her room. Meanwhile one of my nieces arrived at the top of the stairs in tears too, and between her and my other daughters I gathered that Em had gotten angry about losing her spot on the couch to her cousin, and had lost her temper, yelling and - holy crap! - apparently throwing a small stool into an empty corner of room which was what had really freaked the other kids out.
Sigh. So I guess all Em's flying under the radar must have just been building up inside her like steam and she finally blew her top over something fairly trivial. I will have to work with her on expressing herself rather than walking away all the time. In other words, while I am trying to teach my other two daughters to NOT be so confrontational, I will have to teach Emily to be a little more confrontational, to not let things pile up inside her until she just can't take it any more and randomly goes berserk.  Otherwise she may want to consider a future career as a postal worker....

sibling rivalry

Hmmmm. Sibling rivalry. I seem to be haunted by this concept. I lived through it my whole life with my own siblings, in particular with my younger sister, and honestly we have never been able to come to healthy terms with it. And now I am watching my own daughters play this out. Apparently sibling rivalry is not only very normal, but is considered to be an important part of learning to exert your individuality. However, when I have to listen to Elizabeth and Kate screech at each other from the moment they open their eyes, (a furious race to see who can make their bed fastest, throwing stuffies and pillows belonging to the other out the bedroom door), all through breakfast (cheerios and toast crusts flying back and forth, tug of war over who gets which cup for juice), and on through the final stages (battling over the sink, spitting out toothpaste on each other - and there are two sinks in that bathroom, go figure) I really just want to ignore what the experts say and clunk their heads together Three Stooges style. Fortunately I don't do that, but I find it very difficult to ignore them - as the experts say to do - and often end up screeching at them to stop. Some of you may be wondering where my third daughter Emily is in all this. She does have her share of battles with her sisters from time to time, but the dynamic is not the same, and more often than not it is the other two who are going for each other's throats. When this happens, Em tends to remove herself, fly under the radar - she is by nature a peace loving child I guess. Why does it upset me so much when Elizabeth and Kate fight? Well, one, it's just really frigging irritating to listen to them. And two, I guess I worry that this rivalry they seem to have going on will cross the boundary between healthy and unhealthy and ultimately develop into a relationship that they will never be happy with.
You might think I am over thinking this thing, but the reality is that my own relationship with my sister is pretty awful. And I'm pretty sure it dates back to the beginning of our time together as kids. So I want to give my girls the tools to work through their battles, get something positive from them in the end if possible. Instead of harboring resentments that become so ingrained that they end up being part of who you are and you can't separate yourself from them when you're with that person.
Arrrggggg. I know it's probably cheesy to experiment with my own kids behaviors as indirect way of giving myself some therapy, but if something good comes out of it at least for them, then pardon me, but I'll take it. I have only my own experiences to draw from. Does everyone really fight with their siblings? And if so, to what degree? How do get over those fights? Did your parents get involved, and if so, in what way? Did it help? And why is it that of my three daughters, it is two of them in particular who seem to battle the most? Do boys fight in the same way?
Tell me what you think. :)

total attitude

My daughter Kate has this t-shirt that she bought at a flea market. The girls and I were holidaying with my sister's family and our parents at the cabin, and my dad gave the kids each some change to spend. Kate couldn't read at the time, and yet somehow she managed to pick out the one item that really personified her. It's a black t-shirt with some sparkles and stars, a don't mess with me tinkerbell, and the words "total attitude"printed across it. Anyway, I hadn't seen it for awhile and then she pulled it out the other day and asked me to clarify what it said for her. So the next day I'm at my oldest daughter Elizabeth's soccer game, standing in the rain and the wind with a couple other brave souls, and somehow we get talking about our daughters and what attitude they all seem to have already. So I asked why? Why do they have such attitude, where do you think it comes from? Did we have attitude when we were eight? One of the other moms said she figures it's the TV that does it. We all agreed, sure, it seems like all the shows have nothing but kids who are cute smart asses quipping clever one liners to the laugh track while the parents look like defeated buffoons. This must be why our girls all have such attitude. The eye rolling, the foot stomping, the  back talking etc.
So later on that day I started to think about the shows that I did watch when I was my daughters ages of seven and eight. The first two that came to mind were The Waltons and Little House on The Prairie. Now, I was sick for a couple months last fall, and was trapped in my bedroom for most of it with not much I could do. I have never been a daytime TV watcher, but with nothing else to pass the time with ( I had really bad headaches so it was hard to even read a book for a while) I started flipping through the channels. It was shocking to me how little there was that remotely appealed to me to watch. Then one day I came across an ancient rerun of The Waltons. I mention all this so I can say that I have actually recently watched the show, and am not commenting on it through years gone by nostalgic glasses, so to speak. And in all honesty, as wholesome etc as the show was, I have to admit that those three daughters had some pretty major attitude going on at times too. That Mary Ellen was a real drama queen, and there was definitely some whining and eye rolling going on, not to mention some real back talking by Erin and Elizabeth as well. And then there was Little House. Hmmm. When you really think about it, wasn't the whole series just a never ending show down between Laura and Nellie? Laura was constantly running off and disobeying Michael Landon, and was always in trouble at school, and Nellie, well come on, she was the original TV girl diva. There was no one on TV with more attitude than Nellie! Her parents had absolutely no control over her, she was rude and spoiled and didn't we just live to see what kind of trouble she and Laura would get into next?
So, it would seem that we are just turning into our own parents, moaning about how things were so different when we were kids, when really perhaps they really weren't after all. Maybe it's just part of being a girl, and it happens like this everywhere, throughout history. I find this to be a comforting thought, because it just means my kids are "normal", for what it's worth. I guess it's also explains why my mother just laughs under her breath at times when I complain to her about the latest mother daughter tug of war in my house. I suspect she would just call it something like retribution, or getting my just desserts, and I further suspect she would be right!

Terms of Endearment

The other night while my husband was out for the evening, I watched Terms of Endearment with the girls. Well, I started watching by myself, then after their various baths and showers they each wandered in and pretty soon we were all piled on the couch watching together. It has to be one of the great mother daughter movies made, really. I had forgotten what a funny movie it was too, I mean I saw it first in the theatre back in 1983, when I was about 16. So we're all comfy together, and the kids are laughing hard, and they brought out the hairbrushes and proceed to work on my hair, which has to be one my most favorite things to have done, and I'm really enjoying the moment, and then I realize, oh shit, Debra Winger's at the doctor's office, and he's about to find the lumps in her armpit, and it's about to become a really NOT funny mother daughter movie, so I suddenly sit up and tell the girls it's bedtime, which they totally don't get, I mean what's the panic mom, and I tell them nothing, just it's late, and I'm remembering how that first time I saw the movie I cried so hard that we had to sit in the theatre long after the credits had rolled and the lights were on until I pulled myself together, and what a miserable date I was for the rest of that evening, and so I really better get these girls into bed NOW. Whew. Which I do, although they were puzzled, and I know Kate suspected something because she kept asking "what HAPPENS to the mom, what HAPPENS???" and I tuck them in and tell them we'll all watch it together again one day when they're a bit older, all the way to the end. Because I realize, as I go back to the tv and watch the rest and bawl my eyes out just like the first time I ever saw it, that it's not that I am trying to shelter them from the fact that Debra Winger DIES and the children have to go live with their grandmother, but in truth because I know they would be more distressed to see how upset the movie makes ME. Doesn't really matter what I'm crying about so much, just that it would totally freak them out to see me sobbing like that.
Anyway, good decision I think. One day I will watch it again with them I hope, just because it is a great movie. Hope I didn't spoil the ending for anyone....oops:)

Weather vs Mood

Well, it's Friday, and here's my update on the weather vs moods in the house. Weather: a rainy day yesterday, followed by a rainy morning that is now attempting to clear up. Moods: definitely some grumpiness yesterday after school between Em and Kate and their cousin who spends a couple days a week here after school (her sister also is usually here, but she's sick this week). However, not really an unusual scene, at least once a week they seem to have some mini drama that plays out between them all, and I believe it's regardless of the weather, since they do it on nice days playing outside too. This morning Em was weepy and didn't want to go to school, but I never was able to find out exactly why, and she cheered up eventually on her own, so who knows. So my conclusion? While nerves might get a bit frazzly after days of rain, days of sunshine eventually also lead to crankiness, fighting etc too. Meaning I am ruling out weather as a major contributor to moodiness around here. Not that it would have mattered either way, since I can't actually control the weather. Emily says she is going to control the weather when she grows up - that is actually what she aspires to do when you ask her the what are you going to be when you grow up question - so maybe one day I will be able to manipulate moods however briefly via the weather with Em's help. But for now I will have to figure something else out.

let's talk

No really, when I ask a question in one of my posts, I would LOVE to hear some comments - that's why I'm askin'! So bear with me. I have played with my settings (let's keep it clean, people) and I think I have made it incredibly easy to comment now. Just select "name" and leave a name, any name actually works. You don't have to leave an url. That's it. If this doesn't work, email me and let me know!!!! for those of you who might be reading this who have my email:)

Just as a refresher, I am not JUST writing this blog for my own entertainment, or because I'm avoiding doing the laundry. I have gotten tired of asking the walls my questions and getting no feedback. Plus talking to myself constantly has got the kids a little concerned for the state of my mental health. I know that lots of you must read my posts and think "oh this is what I do." or "boy she is just really dumb, hasn't she heard of doing THIS?"

Any of you out there who know me personally know that I love to talk...but I am also ready to listen!!!!
So have at her - or me, whatever, you know what I'm saying. :)

the dressing room

Hmmm. So yesterday I was talking about a mini melodrama regarding a 7 year old with "nothing" to wear. I got her alone later on and asked her what the problem was. She said she didn't know, so I asked her what she thinks about when she is getting dressed for the day. Like, does she think about wanting to be comfortable, or does she have certain things she thinks are really pretty that she likes to wear, or does she ever pick out something that she thinks someone else will like? She told me that yes, sometimes she just likes to feel comfortable, but she does also think about what other people will think of what she is wearing. I asked if there was anyone in particular whose opinion she cared about, and she told me that she wants to wear something that her big sister Elizabeth will think looks nice. Aha. So I then asked if it mattered to her what her other sister (her twin) Emily thinks about her outfit, and she said, no, she doesn't worry about what Emily thinks. So it's all about what the cool big sister thinks it seems. Next I asked her if Elizabeth - or anyone else for that matter - told her that her outfit looked bad or ugly, would she change what she was wearing? Even if it was something that she personally really really liked? And Kate said she would probably think about changing her clothes.

I think that really sucks. I mean, I suppose lots of us at any age might second guess an outfit if someone told you it looked bad, but at the age of 7, what the hell is she doing worrying about this stuff? Okay, it's harder for me to relate, since I wore a school uniform every day for the first 6 years of my school life. We had to find other things to do battle about besides clothes. I wondered if Kate really pays attention to what other people wear too, so I quizzed her on what some of her classmates had been wearing that day. She was able to tell me immediately and in great detail what each of them had on, which really surprised me.
I will have to quiz the other girls about this, as I am now REALLY curious to hear what they have to say.
I don't know if I pay that much attention to what my peers are wearing.

So how about it? How much thought do you put into what you wear each day, or for an event, a night out, whatever? And what are you thinking about? "Does this make my butt look big?" comes to mind...!

I have nothing to wear...

An update from yesterday. I was wondering if the sunny weather has any effect on our moods, since I had noticed that my girls and myself all seemed to be feeling pretty sunny ourselves the past couple of days. It is a beautiful clear day again, but this morning we seemed to be regressing back to less sunny behavior. Emily did not want to get out of bed, and dragged herself through the motions of getting ready for school. In all fairness to her, she is my child who just likes her sleep, but generally once you get her up and going she is a pretty happy child. However, even with the sun bouncing off the mountains and the sky a pretty pink colour Emily was on the verge of the grumps all morning. Hmmm. And Kate, well, she fell back on her old standby of I don't know what to wear. It doesn't matter if she picks her clothes out ahead of time, if the mood strikes her, she will declare that she has nothing to wear - usually it's pants. I tend to give her little to no attention regarding this particular issue. Once I have confirmed that she does indeed have plenty of clean clothes, I usually just explain that she has lots to wear, and if she continues with the issue, that I will make her a uniform to wear every day so she no longer has to go through this agony of indecision.
Since she makes it to school every day, obviously she eventually pulls it together and gets dressed.

So now that the sunshine making us happy theory seems to be fading, my new question is this.
Why does my 7 year old daughter care so much about what she wears to school? Is it merely a matter of physical comfort? She does suffer from eczema from time to time, so I could understand that to a point. But often her dilemma seems totally irrational to me, in fact much more reminiscent of a teenage girls drama over what to wear than a 7 year old. Is it possible then that she is worrying about how she looks, and if so, why? Great line from a Van Morrison song "Wild Nights" comes to mind - "all the girls go by, dressed up for each other". It's so true. From a way too young age apparently, many of us dress not for ourselves, but for others, to achieve a "look" that will be approved of by whichever desirable group we are hoping to please. Why do girls do that? Do boys do that? I have always tried to be very hands off with my girls and their outfits. My oldest daughter Elizabeth wanted to pick out her own outfits from about the age of 3 or 4 as I recall, but still wanted me to help her dress. With two 2 year olds also needing my help, I made Elizabeth a deal - she could wear whatever she liked, as long as it was clean and weather appropriate. Within a year or so her sisters followed suit (so to speak, ha) and that's the way it's been ever since. I am guessing that now that we are venturing towards the preteen years with Elizabeth, that I may have to become somewhat more hands on again, to provide some guidance in dressing age appropriately, or in other words, not dressing like a hussy. It would be a lot easier if I could figure out a way to instill in her the desire to just NOT dress like a hussy, or a hooker or whatever the latest pop star looks like at that time.
Any words of wisdom, advice, anyone? Obviously, it's up to me to buy her appropriate clothing, but that still doesn't have anything to do with influencing her DESIRE for nasty outfits. Or her sisters' either for that matter. I know it may seem like a ways off, but this project, this blog, is all about finding ways to head these things off at the pass, to make life down the road easier for all of us.