Hmmmm. Sibling rivalry. I seem to be haunted by this concept. I lived through it my whole life with my own siblings, in particular with my younger sister, and honestly we have never been able to come to healthy terms with it. And now I am watching my own daughters play this out. Apparently sibling rivalry is not only very normal, but is considered to be an important part of learning to exert your individuality. However, when I have to listen to Elizabeth and Kate screech at each other from the moment they open their eyes, (a furious race to see who can make their bed fastest, throwing stuffies and pillows belonging to the other out the bedroom door), all through breakfast (cheerios and toast crusts flying back and forth, tug of war over who gets which cup for juice), and on through the final stages (battling over the sink, spitting out toothpaste on each other - and there are two sinks in that bathroom, go figure) I really just want to ignore what the experts say and clunk their heads together Three Stooges style. Fortunately I don't do that, but I find it very difficult to ignore them - as the experts say to do - and often end up screeching at them to stop. Some of you may be wondering where my third daughter Emily is in all this. She does have her share of battles with her sisters from time to time, but the dynamic is not the same, and more often than not it is the other two who are going for each other's throats. When this happens, Em tends to remove herself, fly under the radar - she is by nature a peace loving child I guess. Why does it upset me so much when Elizabeth and Kate fight? Well, one, it's just really frigging irritating to listen to them. And two, I guess I worry that this rivalry they seem to have going on will cross the boundary between healthy and unhealthy and ultimately develop into a relationship that they will never be happy with.
You might think I am over thinking this thing, but the reality is that my own relationship with my sister is pretty awful. And I'm pretty sure it dates back to the beginning of our time together as kids. So I want to give my girls the tools to work through their battles, get something positive from them in the end if possible. Instead of harboring resentments that become so ingrained that they end up being part of who you are and you can't separate yourself from them when you're with that person.
Arrrggggg. I know it's probably cheesy to experiment with my own kids behaviors as indirect way of giving myself some therapy, but if something good comes out of it at least for them, then pardon me, but I'll take it. I have only my own experiences to draw from. Does everyone really fight with their siblings? And if so, to what degree? How do get over those fights? Did your parents get involved, and if so, in what way? Did it help? And why is it that of my three daughters, it is two of them in particular who seem to battle the most? Do boys fight in the same way?
Tell me what you think. :)
My 2 girls try to beat each other all the time. There is a 5 year age difference which makes it hard for them to understand each other. I asked the oldest why, and once she let slip that I never spend time just with her. She always has to share me. Now I make one night a week where we spend a little one on one time away from the house. The fighting is much less, say 1-2x per day vs non stop battle royal.
ReplyDeleteThat is so interesting, I often suspect that it's an attention thing with my girls too. I have just started trying to do the same, sharing some one on one time away from the house, but with each of them, so it's a bit far between turns at the moment.
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